So guise its been about 2 months since I got laid last and im breaking it off with my girlfriend. Couple reasons why. Im really whoring this space to state the reasons, I should probably list what I like about the relationship.

Con's:
(bullet) She is selfish
(bullet) She is fairly immature
(bullet) She is stubborn
(bullet) She doesnt like my music
(bullet) She doesn't have time for me
(bullet) I'm not going to have time for her
(bullet) She kind of annoys me
(bullet) She gives bad gifts
(bullet) My life has been a spiraling squiggled line of ups and mostly downs for 2 years, since we started dating; basically.
(bullet) Her family doesn't like me too much, I don't think
(bullet) We never have sex anymore
Pro's:
(bullet) I think I  love her still
(bullet) I have a couple good memories
(bullet) She may never stop loving me,
even though she doesn't show me I'm loved
(bullet) She gives good blowjobs

Spiraling pit of despair aside, it has been my first relationship; and I've learned a lot. However sometimes you just have to realize whats good for you, and whats holding you back.

I'm now 18 and I'm free from nothing,
its been the strings in the courtette; and I'm still running,
I live to see, and say that i can make this through
I can pass this way
but in the end what you really see is another world;
something obscene,
and what you never find is something you realize divine
and it ends crammed to the back of your mind,
it all comes dripping back a bit at a time.

 The troubles that you lived a year ago are fresh on your mind
and you just cant go,
flight beseats you but you've weighted your own ankle;
your trapped in this world when your stuck to that mantle.


This poem is fresh and un-revised

So, my girlfriend is on a persistent streak of malcommunication, and i've been going to my best friend's house daily. My birthday is in a couple days and I dont think she will show up. I think im starting to become a bother at my friend's house because his girlfriend practically lives with him; and he cant pay attention to both of us at once. So today im not going there because I dont want to be a bother, I hate getting in the way.
This thanksgiving break has been absolute shit, i've been stuck in my head the entire time no matter where I am. I hate it, and this shit has to stop one way or another. She wont return my messages and she wont take my phonecalls, I feel abandoned and I've never felt so alone. I want to die, and I never want to see this shit place ever again. Death would be a quick and subtle release; and I would never have to be anything. I wouldnt have to be a good boyfriend. I wouldnt have to pay bills. I wouldnt have to please anyone. I wouldnt have to get good grades. I'd never have to go to college.
I'd never be able to be a game designer, however and the future is all I have to hold onto.

I feel as if by the time this is all over im going to end up killing my girlfriend with a shotgun, she's pissing me off. 

Our candle burns away, the ashes full of lies
I gave my soul to you
You cut me from behind
No where to run
And no where to hide
You're scared of the truth
I'm tired of the lies
Cause who I am
Is where you wanna be

Don't act like an angel
You're fallen again
You're no superhero
I've found in the end
So lie to me once again
And tell me everything will be alright
Lie to me once again
And ask yourself before we say goodbye
Well goodbye
Was it worth it in the end?

You said you were there for me
You wouldn't let me fall
All the times I shared with you
Were you even there at all?
No where to run
And no where to hide
You're scared of the truth
I'm tired of the lies
Cause who I am
Is where you wanna be

Don't act like an angel
You're fallen again
You're no superhero
I've found in the end
So lie to me once again
And tell me everything will be alright
Lie to me once again
And ask yourself before we say goodbye
Well goodbye
Was it worth it in the end?

Why'd you have to up a run away?
A million miles away
I wanna close my eyes and make believe
That I never found you
Just when I put my guard away
It's the same old story
You left me broken and betrayed
It's the same old story

Don't act like an angel
You're fallen again
You're no superhero
I've found in the end
So lie to me once again
And tell me everything will be alright
Lie to me once again
And ask yourself before we say goodbye
Well goodbye
Was it worth it in the end?

Lie to me once again
It's the same old story
Lie to me once again
It's the same old story
Was it worth it in the end?

As previously stated, I worked at a theatre over summer, this story is another from there. Prior to working at this theatre I worked for a pizza place, and in search of some escape from that threatening place I go to work with my girlfriend. At that time we had been going out a year and i'd say 6 months, one night while she wasnt there I had a bit of a self discovery incident.
  
This is what happened:
I was working ticket, and usher that night and I had worked a double that day. I liked being usher because the theatre didnt get too much business, so I could read or do w/e the fuck I wanted really. So yeah, in the downtime there I would close my eyes, read, carry on, self converse, whatever. The 7 shows is where it really started to pick up. Being usher this was a load off because I folded under pressure at the register. So, it took about 2 hours of foot time to get everyone into their theatres, including many of the stragglers and late comers. There was a movie that many didnt come to see, as it had been in theatres a while, there were a few people who bought tickets but there was this one woman in particular. It was pretty much routine straggler, tell them to go where they needed to be. Only this one, I found stunning; I dont think she was like super model of super models but she had that sweet, cute look about her that I found adorable. She had this gorgeous smile to her that made my stomache jump hoops, I thought that the beauty of her smile was unmatched by any. That being said, I sat then until my shift ended. Because I wasn't working with my girlfriend I had to wait for a friend to pick me up. So yeah, I go into the theatre that this goddess had gone in, and looked around for her, sure enough I found her. Now when I first asked my girlfriend out, I did it over the internet like a pussy, so I wandered, did I have more courage and smarm now then I did then? One way to find out.
    The movie is about to start and I'm fumbling in my head whether or not I should do it, after all I wasnt gonna ask her for a date. So after I get over pumping myself up I decided on what I was gonna say. I decided that I would walk down, sit beside her after all she wasnt accompanied, and then whisper into her ear "You have a beautiful smile," and then before she had time to react say "thats all I wanted to tell you." so what do I do? The lights go dim, and I take one last pumping "Just do it you pussy." so I confidently walk down to her row, she was near the end. I sit beside her and look at her, then I lean in close. "You have a beuatiful smile." pause "thats all I wanted to say." she then flashed me one of those beauties, I winked and turned away and left the theatre. About 15 minutes later my ride arrived.
    So, what could have become of that? I'm not sure, but I found a powerful strength inside of me. Possibilities I thought to myself, one: I would have pecked her on the cheek and she would ask my name, two: I would break up with my girlfriend for this (I assume older) emotional connection, or three: we would have sex, and then never see each other again. All of them equally as unlikeley. Then I thought to myself, what if that had been my first date, and that I hadnt had a relationship with my girlfriend. Would I be happier? Would she have been better? Certainly, a better, prettier person. Would she have time for me? Would she be more worthy of my love?
    Should I have left my current girlfriend right there? Because I knew someone like 30 seconds total? I'm not sure, but I feel as though Ive missed an oppertunity. As if something great could have happened but didnt, I never saw her again; I think I'm grateful for that. But still, did I miss something? I can't tell, but I'm sure there is a reason that it did not work out, but I don't believe in god so there must be something logical about it. Feel like I am missing out on the other fish in the sea. I don't know, but I dont think I want a deep emotional connection with anyone right now.

It just dawned on me that when I come home from school I am more willing to tell people tell whats wrong with me in the vivid detail with which thoughts rape my mind. Things I would never talk about in public become comfortable all over the internet, such as to my friends how much physical distortion I want to inflict on my girlfriend, because she wont let me help her in any way. All my offers rejected, I feel as though she's torturing herself and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I mean is it that we've come so far apart that I cant even go to her house to lay with her in comfort attempts? 
Have we drifted so far as that I can not massage her to quell her pressure. I can't kiss her skin gently and tell her it will be alright anymore?
Seriously WHAT The FUCK its pissing me off so bad and I'm getting sick of doing this. Its goddamned ludacris; why should I have to wade through shit on her behalf if she isnt even going to help herself in the end. Its UTTER MADNESS

I miss her so much, and we arent even far apart. I miss her so much, i just want an uninterrupted day with her, its starting to well my emotions and I'm ready to snap myself, I can't stand this torture I put myself through when I have MY OWN SHIT to wade through. In addition I have to carry dead weight on my conscience? Thats just not fair.

    No matter how much I try to make her feels the world revolves around her all I end up with is more torment, more anger, and higher blood pressure. It really leaves me to wonder, how many years has this relationship taken from me.

At this moment all that I can say is that I have desire. I desire to make love to my girlfriend, I desire to feel her touch on my skin. I want to hear her sweet nothings whispered into my ear. I want to taste her lips. I want to feel the curve of her hips. I want to know she loves me. I want her passion, I want her romance.
I want to tell her that she puts me through so much hurt, and doesnt even mean to. I want to tell her I love her so much. I want to tell her she's all I ever think about. I want to tell her everything. I want to tell her nothing. I want to make her feel special I want to hold her on a high chair. I want to be a decent lover. I want to help her through life, though i dont know how. I want her to understand my thoughts. I want her to want me. I want her to know me but I can't tell her. I want to think better of her but find the ability escapes me. I want to lay with her for hours. I want to dream of her, though i find dreams of any sort come difficult. I want more. I want less. I want to know me. I want to know her.
I want to know what she wants.

Ireland, I believe many of us have dreamed of viewing its lush fields and pubs. Thats part of my reasoning, but my personal motivation is the women. Any Irish siren would sucker me in with just their voices, they are so gorgeous and I would love to marry one. As Europeans they are much more richly cultured then Americans, therefore I myself feel a bit inadequate but I want one. I worked at a movie theatre over this summer and there were a group of Irish that would come in once in a while. I loved speaking to them, and taking their order was never a hassle, because they were +all young 2 of them were girls and one of them was incredibly beautiful. They were always very polite and great people, I would always take the liberty of getting them through as fast as possible, because i was smitten over that one. I used to work in the same place my girlfriend did, so I typically ended up feeling a bit guilty.

I want an Irish lass so bad :(

Im going to live in america for like 10 more years, then i'm going to Ireland to get hitched, i'll stay for about 15 yrs, then go to japan and be buried in america again i guess.

So yes I'm hyped on coffee, and waiting for livejournal to update so I can get my NaNoWriMo story, but its on another account. I started my story pretty cool, Its about  a hallucinating down trodden nobody basically who works for a law firm dedicated to private military companies. Its pretty rad. I figured now was a good time to explain more about myself.

I have a best friend who's name will remain Undisclosed. He is the master of all games, im fairly certain he could even give fatal1ty a run for his money. He's been around for me always, except for one year when he was confucsed about life but thats his deal. I talk to this guy everyday he's awesome, we connect more than my girlfriend, its just a real shame one of us wasnt born female. As gay as it sounds its damn true. Last game we played together was Halo 3, which we dont particularly find too special but we were doing 4 play TDM so w/e. Either way, we've pretty much jumped on every multiplayer oppertunity, and its my favorite game mode by far. I have in recent times gotten much better at the games he usually rules at, but still. He is a Nintendo fan, Im split in between Sony and Nintendo, I have a PS3 and a Wii. We used to get drunk every coupld weekends together, and thats when I really kicked ass at games like really KICKED ASS. Yes my skills double when i'm subject to inebreation.

The other friend is closer to nerd then geek and he has an extremely sporadic manner with which he gets things done. He's pretty cool, he's macTard.

Anyway, I go into school in the morning I wait for friend #1 in the lobby, we hang out in the cafeteria, talk about life w/e b4 first period. I walk through the halls generally thoughtless to others around me, there just drones anyway. Then its AP Euro Art 2 French 2 lunch. We sit together, eat, life. Leave then I go to Creative Writing, best class. Thereafter I go to Comp Science with a retard teacher, finished the programming text book weeks before. I talk to friend 2 in there then generally go home /w friend 1. Awesome
Here I play videogames and lurk in a place I cant tell of, as dictated by rules 1 and 2. Anyway thats life. I hate everyone who walks by until they have proven themselves worthy of respect, and i keep my friends close.